My cat briefs me every morning while I shower and drink my eight cups of tea. I can’t drink coffee anymore because apparently a 22 year old “shouldn’t get heart palpitations,” or whatever, but I don’t have health insurance anymore so the jokes on my doctor, my days of receiving unsolicited medical advice are over!
I digress.
I know that ones first blog post is customarily some sort of introduction. Who I am, what I plan to write about, and so on. I’m sorry to disappoint. The problem is, I don’t have answers for either of those questions. I don’t have a clue who I am, and if I were ready to settle down with a single topic I would have gotten my shit together and applied for grad school instead of starting a blog three days before my senior thesis is due like the reigning empress of procrastination that I am.
All I can say for sure at this early stage is that my name is Tillie, and that my favorite color is yellow. My cat’s favorite color is *high pitched wail*, or at least that’s the response I got when I asked him. I’m assuming its cat language for Blue or something.
I’ve had Rorschach (we call him Rory) for about two years now (he is almost three), and while I wouldn’t go so far as to declare myself fluent, my conversational “cat” skills have certainly improved tremendously.
We had the following conversation this morning: (my translations in italics)
Me: Good morning Stinky Butt!
Rory: Meeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!!!!!! (Mom! You have been sleeping FOREVER. I need food. I need water. I need you to clean the litter box IMMEDIATELY. I need snuggles. I need love. Constant attention. LOOK AT ME. I am here! I am BEAUTIFUL. I AM FLUFFY. HOW are you not petting me right now?! ARE YOU LEAVING ME? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY DO YOU HATE ME MOTHEEEEER)
Me: Fucking calm down you little turd, I need to take a shower!
Rory: Meeeeow. (You cannot leave me! I will die out here! Don’t you dare close that door! Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. I have SO MUCH to tell you.)
Rory (through the bathroom door): Meeeeeow meeeeow meeeeeow meow. (There was a squirrel outside the kitchen window last night! And I saw it! And I tracked it like the graceful warrior prince that I am! And then I knocked everything off the counter so the little fuzzy bastard knew this was MY house. And then it moved so I ran downstairs at 400 miles an hour and jumped on your stomach at 5am while you were sleeping so that you knew that THE HOUSE WAS SURROUNDED. Do you remember that? Do you? Do you? Moooooother. And then there was a bug in the bathroom so I ate three roles of toilet paper and threw up in your shoe. Motheeeeeeeeeer I need LOVE.)
Me: Are you ready for breakfast?
Rory: Meeeow! (I AM STARVING. I HAVE NOT EATEN FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS. My body is WITHERING. I can hardly remember the taste of nourishment! Oh sweet mother, gracious mother, kind mother, GIVE ME FOOD, ANY FOOD. What the fuck do you mean we’re out of chicken pate?)
Me: I’m sorry, I’ll go to the store right after class, I promise! It will only be an hour late!
Rory: Meow! (What about the salmon kibble in the drawer?! Its right there you stupid ass motherfucker! Are you blind?)
Me: No no no no no, under no circumstances are you getting the salmon kibble. The moment you take a bite of that stuff your farts turn lethal and I will not have you making the house smell like a gas station Taco Bell’s guest bathroom, no thank you, not again.
Rory: Meow! (Bitch, your lactose intolerant ass has ingested nothing but banana ice cream and beer for the past WEEK! You don’t exactly smell like vanilla sugar either let me tell you right now!)
Me: Touchè
Rory: Meow meow meow meow meow *shriek* (Mooooooooooother. Do you not love me? Why do you hate me, motheeeeeeeeeeeeeer? I love you motheeeeeeeeeeeer, please pet meeeeee, love me, love me, love me, feed me, love me, love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…“
Me (rummaging in drawer): How about some turkey wet food? The one from thanksgiving? You liked that one didn’t you?
Rory: Meow. (Acceptable compromise but you’re on thin ice… don’t let this happen again.)
Tillie's Void 